Opposite of love? Bet you said hate. I paid a shrink a lot of money to find the real answer to that question.
In my divorce I asked when would I stop loving him? I wrestled with it and said, "I'm paying a lot of money here. When will I know I am cured?" My attorney had said, "Never. You are never done with him. You will always tell the stories of him and them because you were in love, because they are part of that loving relationship and because it honors them. You will never be done."
My shrink said, "That man is a smart attorney. But your answer is...(drum roll and It IS Worth IT!!) when you don't care. The opposite of love is not hate, that's where you are. Hate is the other side of the double sided sword of love. When you don't care anymore, in any other than a human way, you are no longer in love."
Consider that free answer as priceless. (You're welcome) That answer came true for me months, almost 2 years after I sent Steve out on March Fourth...another irony of my life. Get it...march forth? That answer is priceless those times when the family gets together and we struggle with the independence of one another and the vast differences in our behaviors, outlooks, political beliefs, lifestyles....You Name IT. We are different!
Then comes floating into my mind...the opposite of love is indifference, not caring. This is caring exponentially too much. It is also about being sensitive to our differences and wondering if we are truly being accepted. Which is the next question....if I truly accept them, shouldn't I trust that they truly accept me? In the words of St. Francis of Assissi, "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."
You probably already knew there are moments in the weekend that were not worthy of the Hallmark channel. Really, aren't the ones you like best when the difficulties are overcome by forgiving and caring and trying harder and someone growing up? We are all Hallmark Channel worthy...all of our families. But the moments that we struggle in our familyness are the moments where the growth occurs and the bonding builds. I don't worry when I can step back and think rationally instead of inside my bleeding heart. Then I think of those families spending 4 or 5 hours together in pleasant conversation as they plan their night out, or trip back to "sanity" or the other family.
I have seen them, I chose mine. The messiness, contradictions within them, the loudness, f bombs, silliness, wine guzzling women who bring my home much joy. I choose mine and we will never be done.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Officially I'm Grown Up
My youngest daughter has this title on her latest blog. I no longer aspire to the content of the message. It is my title of my story this time and it is for real.
I have 2 of my 4 girls going to a teenie bopper romance movie about Vampires even as I write. Yes, they are too old to be reading middle school books but hey...they're reading. Another daughter is spending time with a potentially serious boyfriend meeting his friends and family..."Mom, this is too big. He wants me to meet them all." And I harken back to the wedding he came to for littlest sis where he met all the family and friends plus decorated the wedding site....But she doesn't see the connection. My oldest is probably at the same movie as the two in Lincoln, just in a different state. And I? I am cleaning house for the onslaught of 3 of my 4 being home for Thanksgiving. Washing bedding, vacuuming unused rooms to freshen them up for the five grandkids coming and the 3 daughters, 2 spouses and the guy with potential.
Wonderful! You think as you read this. Well, here is where I know this is the day I became an adult. I live and love with Bob. In the house he raised his two children with my friend, and his wife, Deb. A lot of my things did not make it into this building. Liz got some things, I made the others take stuff too. I gave generously to Goodwill and had a free garage sale. Do I miss my platter, my green apple salad bowls, my coffee table in the living room where the little ones would sit. Yes. I do. But, as an adult, I realize I miss my family more. So this year I I will decorate with their presence. I will miss Laurel's being here with hers, much more than the goods that didn't make the move. The things I miss for a moment are actually just things at long last. I have become an adult. Today.
I have 2 of my 4 girls going to a teenie bopper romance movie about Vampires even as I write. Yes, they are too old to be reading middle school books but hey...they're reading. Another daughter is spending time with a potentially serious boyfriend meeting his friends and family..."Mom, this is too big. He wants me to meet them all." And I harken back to the wedding he came to for littlest sis where he met all the family and friends plus decorated the wedding site....But she doesn't see the connection. My oldest is probably at the same movie as the two in Lincoln, just in a different state. And I? I am cleaning house for the onslaught of 3 of my 4 being home for Thanksgiving. Washing bedding, vacuuming unused rooms to freshen them up for the five grandkids coming and the 3 daughters, 2 spouses and the guy with potential.
Wonderful! You think as you read this. Well, here is where I know this is the day I became an adult. I live and love with Bob. In the house he raised his two children with my friend, and his wife, Deb. A lot of my things did not make it into this building. Liz got some things, I made the others take stuff too. I gave generously to Goodwill and had a free garage sale. Do I miss my platter, my green apple salad bowls, my coffee table in the living room where the little ones would sit. Yes. I do. But, as an adult, I realize I miss my family more. So this year I I will decorate with their presence. I will miss Laurel's being here with hers, much more than the goods that didn't make the move. The things I miss for a moment are actually just things at long last. I have become an adult. Today.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Sleeping Democratic in a Republican State
For those under 40, that is the parodied title of a country music song. But the feeling within the song is the emotion of my situation as a citizen. If you've read this blog, you know I teach. I stayed up late on Election Night and thrilled to Barack's acceptance speech. I went to bed hopeful and nervous...two feelings that don't live together well. Fast forward to my class sitting at their desks.
"Mrs. R. Do you know now that Barack Obama will be president, that girls are going to have to marry girls and boys will have to marry boys?" That isn't true I reply in disgust. Who told you that? "My mom and dad." See the dilema of public educators?
"Well," came another voice, "My mom was crying because now black people are going to make white people their slaves." No answer from me as I stood in dumbfounded contemplation of upper middle class white republican parents.
"And did you know that Barack Obama is going to make us all turn Muslim?"
Thankfully, well answered by our Muslim student. "Hey,if that was true that would be okay. You like me. You would like it....Wouldn't you?"\\//
I didn't even touch the Muslim part. Salmon had already answered that well.
But I did ask, "Fourth graders, are those things you have stated reasonable? When America votes, it is with reasonable thoughts and educated responses. I wonder how many of those things are something someone said to scare others. I always like to think we will be reasonable in our thoughts or the world is never going to get better. If we can't learn to get along, war will never stop. When we spread rumors, they take on the authority of truths. So let's think....Which of those things are reasonable?"
Small discussion and much perplexion.
"So what do I tell my mom and dad?"
"The same thing....Let's all be reasonable and believe that when the majority vote, it is a reasonable response. And that we all need to go for the next good thing to believe in. John McCain said he will support and honor our new president. Would he have said that if he knew it was going to be a bad thing? Let's encourage reasonable."
Nods all around. Calming air being breathed in and out. Small smiles of pre-adolescent security crossing over the faces of those being most affected by the election. The faces of the future. The faces of those becoming reasonable.
Meanwhile, sleeping democrat in a republican state, thinking over words I wish I said, ....tossing, turning trying to forget that I'm sleeping democrat in my republican state.
"Mrs. R. Do you know now that Barack Obama will be president, that girls are going to have to marry girls and boys will have to marry boys?" That isn't true I reply in disgust. Who told you that? "My mom and dad." See the dilema of public educators?
"Well," came another voice, "My mom was crying because now black people are going to make white people their slaves." No answer from me as I stood in dumbfounded contemplation of upper middle class white republican parents.
"And did you know that Barack Obama is going to make us all turn Muslim?"
Thankfully, well answered by our Muslim student. "Hey,if that was true that would be okay. You like me. You would like it....Wouldn't you?"\\//
I didn't even touch the Muslim part. Salmon had already answered that well.
But I did ask, "Fourth graders, are those things you have stated reasonable? When America votes, it is with reasonable thoughts and educated responses. I wonder how many of those things are something someone said to scare others. I always like to think we will be reasonable in our thoughts or the world is never going to get better. If we can't learn to get along, war will never stop. When we spread rumors, they take on the authority of truths. So let's think....Which of those things are reasonable?"
Small discussion and much perplexion.
"So what do I tell my mom and dad?"
"The same thing....Let's all be reasonable and believe that when the majority vote, it is a reasonable response. And that we all need to go for the next good thing to believe in. John McCain said he will support and honor our new president. Would he have said that if he knew it was going to be a bad thing? Let's encourage reasonable."
Nods all around. Calming air being breathed in and out. Small smiles of pre-adolescent security crossing over the faces of those being most affected by the election. The faces of the future. The faces of those becoming reasonable.
Meanwhile, sleeping democrat in a republican state, thinking over words I wish I said, ....tossing, turning trying to forget that I'm sleeping democrat in my republican state.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Halloween
It is odd to think of all the creatures and characters we wanted to be on Halloween. A witch was quite the evil thing when I was a child. Rich lady was great or a ballerina ( in Nebraska the costume would likely be covered totally by one's coat but hey...) My classroom use to run to Freddy Kruger or Darth Vader and such, Harry Potter is a winning choice now or Spongebob Square Pants. I remember the year my daughters were all CareBears.
This year, I was Sarah Palin. I considered it pretty scarey. The Vice leader of the Free World as a scarey character....when did it come to this? I would answer the obligatory salutation of Trick Or Treat with a wide wink and a "You betcha!" I wore my tartish suit jacket, my highest heels and my hair in a bad upsweep with a pony tail. Parents laughed, which was great thinking of how Republican my state is. I thought it funny too. Until I really think of it. The position she aspires to is left in disgrace as her face became the number one selling mask for this year.
As a woman who is considered a feminist, it offends me that her body and her wink are hallmarks for her entrance into the powerful machinery of democracy. Why not her mind? Why not her trustworthiness? Why not the examples of character, forthrightedness, loyalty, and leadership that set her on the top of the list for the VP candidates. Because they aren't her hallmarks. It is her pert, cute, lipsticked bulldogidness, in a wet dream body that caused the "Rise" to the public's eye. Nothing on Halloween is as scary as our fall as women when this is our best, nor the fact that THIS is as good as a major political party can be. I'm scared. It makes my vote sadly obvious. It is not a good trick or treat.
This year, I was Sarah Palin. I considered it pretty scarey. The Vice leader of the Free World as a scarey character....when did it come to this? I would answer the obligatory salutation of Trick Or Treat with a wide wink and a "You betcha!" I wore my tartish suit jacket, my highest heels and my hair in a bad upsweep with a pony tail. Parents laughed, which was great thinking of how Republican my state is. I thought it funny too. Until I really think of it. The position she aspires to is left in disgrace as her face became the number one selling mask for this year.
As a woman who is considered a feminist, it offends me that her body and her wink are hallmarks for her entrance into the powerful machinery of democracy. Why not her mind? Why not her trustworthiness? Why not the examples of character, forthrightedness, loyalty, and leadership that set her on the top of the list for the VP candidates. Because they aren't her hallmarks. It is her pert, cute, lipsticked bulldogidness, in a wet dream body that caused the "Rise" to the public's eye. Nothing on Halloween is as scary as our fall as women when this is our best, nor the fact that THIS is as good as a major political party can be. I'm scared. It makes my vote sadly obvious. It is not a good trick or treat.
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