Ponderings

Isn't it funny how when life turns upside down, you don't want to ponder outloud anymore? I can sometimes verbalize it but seldom can put it to paper. When I teach, I tell my students don't try to write what you really don't know. So there is why I haven't been writing...I really don't know. Who would guess at 55 that my life and loves have so much going on that I can't even figure it out. What happened to the theory that the life experiences and connections of aging that were suppose to work into rich wisdom! Can't seem to locate that information.

SO I ponder. "Mary held her baby and pondered in her heart." I wish I could hold my babies safe and ponder. All of the issues in our lives are momentary and moving forward into goodness but man, enough already. Can't have a rainbow without rain, we all need blackness in the fabric of our lives so that the colors shine brightly, what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. I ponder why comfort has to share the spotlight with ugliness. I ponder why bad things happen to good people. But mostly, I just ponder...I like the word better than worry and even though I am a master worrier, I am pondering for the most part.

I believe in the goodness of a loving Lord and know he didn't plan for these things. He gave us all free will and the world is full of people acting out careless free will and it often affects us. Consequences can be either good or bad or both. Ponder on that for awhile. My head spins when I do. But that is the point...I am still pondering a good part of each day. Like a drip system hose in the garden, it is always going, always feeding, promoting growth and never stopping. It would be overwhelming except...Pondering will get me somewhere where I can figure out the verbalizations of my thoughts. I will lean forward into my life and know that God has not abandoned me or mine and I must keep doing the next right thing.